When the stars are right, Louie shall emerge from the fetid pools of Dewe Ponte, redolent of non-Euclidian fish and cosmic wrongness. Pray they destroy you first.

Birthplace: South Korea
Birthdate: June 25
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 150 lbs
Blood Type: O
Likes: Rock music
Dislikes: Devil Gene
Hobbies: Yachting

Louis

Solidarité. C’est bien sur que rouge est ben ben supérieur, meme si c’est casiment jamais chanceux.

Birthplace: Japan
Birthdate: March 29
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 159 lbs
Blood Type: AB
Likes: Themself, their headband
Dislikes: Dressing up
Hobbies: Kenka

Dr. Stallone

Possesses the eye of the tiger, the best gun in the west, and massive oil inheritance. Chief nemeses include Toyota Camrys and diabetes.

Birthplace: Zepp
Birthdate: October 18
Height: 8’0”
Weight: 1446 lbs
Blood Type: O
Likes: Indestructible pencil cases
Dislikes: Pencils that snap under 4 tons of weight
Hobbies: Drawing

The Hándwerker

Their mastery of information is matched only by their mastery over the material world. A tall, crafty drink of water.

Birthplace: USA
Birthdate: October 27
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 179 lbs
Blood Type: O
Likes: Pizza, smell of gasoline
Dislikes: Traffic jams, losing
Hobbies: Motorcycles

Dr. Handsome

Sometimes, one wonders how some people get their nicknames, and then there is Dr. Handsome. No patience for co-ops, but it’s hard to resent such beauty.

Birthplace: Spain
Birthdate: January 27
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 185 lbs
Blood Type: O
Likes: Beauty, roses
Dislikes: Ugly things
Hobbies: Noble sports

Dr. Contra

Despite the name of the podcast and the hosts’ full knowledge of being wrong, Dr. Contra is still on hand to remind them they’re wrong.

Birthplace: France
Birthdate: April 8
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 128 lbs
Blood Type: A
Likes: Kid brother, pet cat
Dislikes: Grubby guys
Hobbies: Collecting wine glasses, making cocktails

Woogie

When someone asks you if you have a preference for a nickname, and they assure you it’s not a trap, the only wrong answer is to refuse to assist. Then you’re just asking for it.

Birthplace: Canada
Birthdate: March 29
Height: 6’8”
Weight: 483 lbs
Blood Type: A
Likes: His sideburns
Dislikes: Natto, indecisive people
Hobbies: Motorcycle touring

Josephus

A scholar and iconoclast, Josephus is the best thing to come out of Virginia. Their disdain for furniture is matched by their enthusiasm for real estate, which, I mean, is a choice.

Birthplace: Mexico
Birthdate: May 23
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 188 lbs
Blood Type: A
Likes: Jaguars, children
Dislikes: Tears of children
Hobbies: Making children happy

Asími

While you’re waiting for them to take their turn, you can get lost in their glorious, lustrous hair. That, or learn a new language or something. You’ll have time.

Birthplace: USA
Birthdate: January 21
Height: 6’0”
Weight: 181 lbs
Blood Type: B
Likes: Steaks, billiards
Dislikes: People who stop their ambitions
Hobbies: Undetermined (they start things and then get tired of them)

Warmboy

This is the inverse of the Woogie principle, but Warmboy gets to be called whatever they want. The Master of Webs extraordinaire.

Birthplace: USA
Birthdate: March 15
Height: 6’0”
Weight: 170 lbs
Blood Type: O
Likes: Fingerless gloves, vintage jeans
Dislikes: Slugs
Hobbies: Playing video games, trawling

Chip III

Mark systematically preys on talented people willing to do things for him at less than market value (q.v. Walker, The Hándwerker, Warmboy). There have been a series of Chips, most of whom painted miniatures. Could YOU be Chip IV?!

Birthplace: Czarnia
Birthdate: June 1
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 305 lbs
Blood Type: Red
Likes: Space dolphins
Dislikes: Other Czarnians
Hobbies: Drinking, collecting bounties

The Superstar

Sort of a Chip Auxiliar, The Superstar is who enables Mark to stay up-to-date in Sakura Arms. Earned their name by being supremely awesome.

Birthplace: Japan
Birthdate: March 15
Height: 5’2”
Weight: 93 lbs
Blood Type: A
Likes: PE class, white rice
Dislikes: Math, playing video games with their younger brother
Hobbies: Street fighting

Sidewinder

Overseer of the animal kingdom, as well as an aficionado of social inference games, Sidewinder is a master of many crafts.

Birthplace: England
Birthdate: December 18
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 126 lbs
Blood Type: B
Likes: Tomato juice
Dislikes: Insects
Hobbies: Driving

The Yeti, Wendigo, and/or North Wind

Whispers of their existence, uttered in subdued tones, can be occasionally heard among gamers—they speak of an elusive presence, like the Polkaroo of gaming.

Birthplace: Japan
Birthdate: March 1
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 210 lbs
Blood Type: Sap
Likes: Mimicry
Dislikes: Evil, chainsaws
Hobbies: Mimicry

Mr. Beard

Butterfly

Thanks to the profusion of modern board games featuring their namesake and other appealing critters, Butterfly has no shortage of outlets.

Birthplace: Germany
Birthdate: June 6
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 128 lbs
Blood Type: O
Likes : An antique music box
Dislikes: Spiders, cell phones
Hobbies: Astronomy, concerts